Meet the Browns

I’ve heard of a crime of passion, but a crime of freshness!!! Chris Brown found himself in a situation that he couldn’t seem to tap dance his way out of. I will present nothing but the facts to prove the monster that really is Chris Brown A.K.A Pretty Boy.

The incident started Saturday night. Mr. Brown and Ms. Rihanna cozied up at a Pre-Grammy party to honor Clive Davis. On hand was fellow domestic violence victim, Whitney Houston. Whitney was radiant in one of her few “crack free” appearances.

Contrary to what most people believe, Chris Brown is the third cousin of fellow wife beater, Bobby Brown. Mr. Brown is also a distant relative of the soft spoken, but somewhat violent, Cleveland Brown. This clearly displays that Chris Brown has a history of violence in his family.

Later that evening, on their way “home” to the swanky hotel that Rihanna paid for herself. Mr. Brown asked Rihanna for a piece of gum. Apparently he had been eating scallops all evening. Rihanna eagerly searched her purse for a fresh treat to please her lover boy. Ms. Rihanna handed Mr. Brown a stick of Trident Watermelon Twist.

A look of disgust filled Mr. Brown’s face.

Exhibit A:

Transcript of the 911 call made by Rihanna


Dispatcher: Thank you for calling 911, what’s your emergency?

Rihanna: Hello, Hello, Hello, ay, ay, ay,… (Chris Brown tap dancing in the background)

Dispatcher: How may I help you!!

Rihanna: He beat me down, ya know!

Dispatcher: (whispering in the background) Hey yall, I got Miss Cleo on the line, someone done beat her down. I bet she didn’t see that coming.

Rihanna: Hello, Hello, Hello, ay, ay, ay…

Chris: (singing and dancing) Double your pleasure, double your fun…

Rihanna: Please, can someone just bring me some damn Double Mint!!!


Police later arrived on the scene and a visibly shaken Rihanna was found with a black eye, apparently from a luxury umbrella of some sort, and a stick of Wrigley’s Double Mint gum was found in her hair.


Fact: Chris Brown is violent, as seen in his dance moves from the elbow-stop motion, to the in your face crumping techniques.

Fact: Rihanna is clearly the breadwinner in the relationship, which only infuriates a violent Chris Brown. She has endorsements from Cover Girl, Secret and Clinique. Chris Brown appeared on the Scream Tour with fellow premature adult, Bow Wow, and landed an endorsement with Wrigley in which he violently stomps and kicks a pack of gum throughout the commercial.

Fact: Chris Brown has Chiclets for teeth. Rihanna’s bite marks appeared to be large and had a hint of mintiness to them.

Fact: Rihanna calls out for help in her hit, Rehab. If you listen closely to the song, she disguises the word cigarettes for Wrigley Gum. She’s tired of supporting her man by chewing Double Mint!!!

This could be the rendering of the new Bobby and Whitney. Let’s take a look back:

The Curious Case of Chris Brown

Okay, real talk, why is everyone surprised about this whole scenario? Really do you think a guilty 19 year old would drive himself to the Police Station in a rented Lamborgini? Let’s face it, Chris thought it would be a matter of signing paper work, singing a song for them and busting a dance move. Too bad it has been a set up from the beginning, let me explain…

Unknown to many his mother endured domestic violence from her long time boyfriend. Chris grew up around abusive relationships and harbors hatred for the man who mistreated his mom. Young Chris would call his mom to mind whenever he argued with a girlfriend. He always solves disputes with a dance off. He frequently wins with the elbow- stop- motion move shown in Stomp The Yard.

Chris turned himself in. Why not just let the police come and get you, if you are guilty? If the O.J. chase was an act of desperation, then this was an act of innocence.

He is being charged for criminal threats…c’mon, this sounds like a set up. Who really believes a threat from Chris Brown? Now if Chris Brown promised me someone else would do me harm…then I might believe him.

If we are talking about bruises and signs of battery on Rihanna, the half giraffe Barbadoian robot, I don’t believe it. There are two things I won’t do… get in a crack pipe race with Whitney Houston or walk down a dark alley with Rihanna. I can’t trust her and now (I hope) Chris Brown has learned his lesson.

Robot Giraffes don’t bleed. There are reports that Rihanna has bite marks and umbrella bruises. Don’t believe the hype, this is a set up. She found out about the DoubleMint money and wanted in. Chris reminded her of her success and Cover Girl Ads, she turned over a table and then Chris sang “I’m gonna take you down” and then witnesses reported that he threatened her. It happened in that exact order.

The bruises? Any half giraffe would have markings that show up from time to time…. The normal giraffe patches showed up and to explain them away Rihanna had to think fast, being a robot she didn’t care that the story would put her slightly younger and less successful unofficial boyfriend in the spotlight. Check the bite marks too, if they aren’t perfectly lined and large, they don’t belong to Chris Brown. If the bite marks don’t fit, you know the rest...

In the video for “Kiss Kiss” Chris Brown let his fetish for biting known to the public. Anyone looking at Rihanna can see that she could take a bite, no trouble. This is why I at first believed in their relationship. The size of her neck and the size of his teeth spelled out true love to me and most of the Billboard Music Award audience. But little did we know that what was usually reserved for the bedroom would turn around and bite Chris in the butt.

Why do you think the relationship has never been officially declared? Because Rihanna always knew this would happen… it’s been planned since the beginning. INS can’t touch her now that she is embroiled in this case, she’s needed stateside for the investigation.

This you tube video explains it all:

Stay tuned because tomorrow the Prosecution will make her case against Mr. Brown.